Deflation and exhaustion

I’m starting to wonder if myself and my children are all on the autism spectrum the more I think about it the more I believe it. It’s hard going when Maria’s anger gets the better of her and takes it out on me as her punch bag and safe place at the same time . She still I think misses her Dad when he passed away 5 years ago when she was 3 years old and just not know how to express her feelings. I’ve also struggled asking for help which I’ve just found the courage to recently and things are slowly improving with my in laws but I still think of them as outlaws!! They don’t really understand me at times and I don’t think I understand them it’s sad but that’s how it is. I’ve had to slowly accept them that they will never change it’s just who they are and hopefully I’ll become at peace with it over time …To be continued

Enlightenment and relief

So after having my counselling session after 41 years I finally realise why I am like I am. Yes I probably am on the autism spectrum and that’s why I find it so freakin hard to raise my children on my own, along with my childhood birth experiences and unfortunate life experiences that I’ve grown with and accustomed to, has led to habitually trained thoughts which have not been healthy for me. It’s not anyone’s fault but to finally now go through self accepting myself is the next stage of my life I need to bring myself to do. I just hope that people I meet along the way I can help maybe a little of what they are going through for my survival story might be someone else’s guide to their life . It’s all about perspective and to finally realise I needed to discover myself !

Times of uncertainty and painful memories

Wow what a rollercoaster the last few weeks have been I celebrated my birthday just getting away from the mundane norm which for me is just existing to keep the little humans alive. I usually loathe this time of year just because it brings back painful memories and at the moment I have too much time to reflect upon these memories. Positively though I’ve started an Art class which I really enjoy and hopefully I’ll progress in that area in some way big time. And I’ve joined an exercise class. I might not be where I want to be in life but I’m trying to get there , though half the time I feel like I’m hitting my head against a brick wall and it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I try to remind myself that I am a strong person and I will get through this like the many other challenges and unfortunate events that have happened to me , facing adversity amongst other things. I’ve come so far but yet I’m my worst critic if only I could see how far I’ve come and I’m a different person since then

My second day of posting well today I’ve been thinking about myself and my kids future and instead of wanting to run away from things I’m going to run to them. I’m going to try and live my dream and have a fresh start. I know it’s going to take a lot of planning and research but it’s something I’ve always wanted to do for myself since I was a child. I’ve always wanted to live back in the states I’ve always had fond memories of it and despite the current situation I’m not letting that deter me . Yes people will be sad and I’ll meet new people along the way but it is what it is. It might not work out but I’m going to give it my all and why not. So many times I’ve heard people say do what makes YOU HAPPY and we only have one shot at life and so why not try and reach for the stars XX

Year of Change

So this is my first post, so please bear with me. I’m not one of these great writers and I’ll never claim to be. But anyway my hope is that my post will help someone . I have many ups and downs throughout my life loosing my husband. loosing my job and the joys having been blessed with 2 children. Parenting is never easy and trying to be both mum and dad is just so freakin hard work at times. I have autism (not officially diagnosed) and my son does but my daughter doesn’t. Recently I’ve learnt that my son and I can relate to a point. I’ve realised that when your patient caring and try to enter their world it’s amazing. My son is so smart and has a great sense of humour and a loving sweet nature. Sometimes we have to reach for the stars instead of being satisfied with what society wants us to do and be like. It’s only then does one become empowered and grow their well-being. Thanks to whoever reads this I hope to write more posts in time. Much love